I’ve been in a funk. My husband’s health issues continue to cause him pain and keep him isolated and then last week, I got bad news about my spine after I went in for a MRI after some numbness in my hand and pain in my lower back. I’ve been down and depressed and feeling sorry for myself.
I stopped working out or even taking those long walks. I stayed inside my home, but didn’t clean or declutter like I’d planned. I just curled up in a ball and felt sorry for myself, drowning my sorrows in chocolate. Why should I take care of my body if it was just going to fall apart anyway? Why should I take care of our home if it’s always going to have so many projects we can’t catch up on? Why should I keep trying when it seems like I never make a dent in the way things are? What is the point of all this effort?
And maybe that’s what I needed to do for a while.
We’re halfway through Chanukah and last night, as I lit candles, it’s like I woke up from a daze. I realized that it’s ME that brings light into whatever situation I’m in. I’ve been sitting back and waiting for good news, waiting for change, waiting for someone to find an answer, some test to reveal something, some doctor to tell me what to do next and how we can feel better. I’ve been passive, like someone sitting in a dark room, just waiting for someone else to come in and turn on the light.
And I’ve had the matches in my hand the entire time, but I just was too down to realize it.
I just takes one tiny spark to change a dark room into a lit room, to light one candle that you can then use to light more. One tiny little spark of energy, of positivity, of light can change everything. This season we celebrate light in the darkest part of the year. We also celebrate the power of hope and of small things or a small force standing up to the mighty. We celebrate not giving in to dispair even when the odds seem unlikely. We celebrate instead fighting back against the dark with hope and optimism, rising up with a throaty war cry against everything that tries to hold us down and change who we are.
And who I am…is not that person sitting on the couch waiting for someone else to act. Who I am is the person charging into the situation and taking an active role.
We celebrate taking an active role in this world and making it a better place for everyone and not falling into the trap of just being like everyone else, accepting things as they are and not making waves. We celebrate ancestors who were game changers and move makers and realize that we all have so much more power to bring light into this world than we realize. We each are a spark and it only takes one.
Today, I woke up and ate a healthy breakfast instead of skipping it or eating chocolate. I threw away a cookie that was sitting, waiting to be eaten instead of eating it myself. I put the dishes in the dishwasher before work.
Small things. Tiny things.
But a spark nonetheless.